What’s your attachment style & how can you change it?

View fullsize

Have you ever found yourself on the tail-end of an argument or a miscommunication, questioning why you can't quite connect and relate to your partner or your friends on the same level?

Maybe you're the person who wants to fix things right away, but your partner needs space. Or perhaps you’ve wondered how your friend manages to trust others wholeheartedly, while you struggle to let your guard down.

It's confusing, we get it.

Sometimes, you feel like you just need your own space, while in other moments, you feel so anxious that you need to be close to your partner right away. You don’t know why but your emotions and needs tend to change depending on the situation or even on the person. You might be super attached and reliant on someone one minute and then completely closed off the next. What’s the turning point? Why do you react in this way?

You might be wondering how on earth you can fix this crazy rollercoaster of emotions and reactions? Is it genuinely possible to transition from an anxious or avoidant attachment style to a secure one? And ultimately, can it bring peace and balance to your life?

Attachment Styles Can Change

For years, people like you, as well as numerous researchers, have dedicated their efforts to comprehending and developing attachment types, as well as discovering whether such types may change as we progress through life. Certainly, your attachment style can undergo transformation as you grow and encounter new life experiences. 

The development of attachment styles can be attributed to early childhood, particularly during the first eighteen months of life. In brief, if your caregiver(s) offered both emotional and physical support during this time, a secure attachment style would typically form. However, it’s clearly not that easy. 

As you journey through life and gain new experiences, good and bad, your attachment style changes and adapts. The attachment style you develop has an influence on your ability to communicate your emotions and needs to your partners, friends and family. It also influences the way in which you respond to conflict and the expectations you form about your relationships.  It is possible to develop a blend of various attachment styles or to have different attachment styles depending on the situation. 

CONSIDER THIS

Have you ever gone through a really bad breakup? It started out really great, you had the ability to trust, express emotions, and feel comfortable with intimacy. However, your life takes a turn when it ends. You’re left feeling blindsided, rejected, and deeply hurt. Sound familiar?

Chances are that as time passes, your behavior and feelings towards relationships may begin to change. The emotional turmoil left from the breakup may cause you to pick-up traits associated with an anxious attachment style. You go from being an entirely secure individual to a partner that seeks constant reassurance, struggles with trust issues or fears abandonment. 

Or maybe you’re finally dating again and rebuilding a new relationship, but you just can’t seem to connect like you used to because you keep falling back into old, unhealthy patterns.

All in all it’s important to recognize that attachment styles are not fixed and can shift due to life’s twists and turns. While this might initially seem daunting, take comfort in the fact that this presents an opportunity for personal growth and positive transformation. 

So how do you change your attachment style?

Well, step one is recognition. To know how to improve one's attachment style, one must first completely recognize it. Here is a brief explanation of each of the 4 attachment types. Once you have a solid grasp of them, you can choose which one best matches your personality and use that knowledge to begin making some healthy improvements to your life and relationships.

1. Avoidant Attachment Style

Do others say you're overly independent? Maybe you struggle with both emotional and physical closeness.

An individual who expresses an avoidant attachment style has a tendency to shy away from intimacy and downplay the importance of meaningful relationships, frequently as a form of self-protection. They have a strong desire for independence and self-reliance. They continue to experience anxiety or sorrow, but they do so on their own and downplay the weight of these emotions. 

SYMPTOMS OF AN AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to:

Withdraw and isolate themselves during disagreements. They typically value their personal space and independence and make it known that they don't rely on anyone else to get by. This might give off an air of confidence and perhaps even sociability to others.

2. Anxious Attachment Style

If you're someone who always needs reassurance in relationships and struggles with being alone, you may have an anxious attachment style. This can make it hard to feel secure in your relationships and can lead to feeling jealous and insecure. It's tough for you to trust others because you're constantly worried about being rejected. You're always on high alert, analyzing your partner's emotions and actions, and jumping to conclusions because of these anxieties.

Symptoms of an anxious attachment style

People who have an anxious attachment style:

Frequently struggle with low self-worth and self-esteem, putting others on a pedestal and looking for outside validation. They may have a tendency to over examine people's actions and jump to conclusions. This attachment type might sometimes be seen as slightly obsessive or clingy, and it could indicate a difficulty in fully grasping personal boundaries.

3. Disorganized Attachment Style

Do you push others away while craving for intimacy and connection in your relationships? Do you ever feel that your behaviour is unpredictable? You may have a disorganized attachment style. The disorganized attachment style, which is the least common and least understood type of attachment, often stems from childhood experiences of abuse, neglect, and trauma. In their early years, individuals with this attachment style may have observed inconsistent emotional support or endured abuse. As a result, they come to recognize that a parental figure can pose a significant threat to themselves or others. This realization later leads them to nurture a fear of their loved ones, ultimately resulting in an unorganized attachment style. Consequently, they encounter difficulties in forming close relationships due to persistent doubts and concerns about betrayal.

Symptoms of a disorganized attachment style

People with a disorganized attachment style:

Usually struggle with expressing their emotions openly.  They may also experience frequent behavioural or emotional outbursts, such as impulsive and aggressive verbal or physical conflict as a result of a strong and overwhelming surge of feelings and emotions. This attachment style often causes them to unknowingly recreate conditions similar to their experiences during childhood, which can lead to choosing partners who are not compatible. Trust issues often arise in their relationships, and they can become suspicious and jealous about their partner's actions.

4. Secure Attachment Style

If you find it relatively easy to establish enduring, solid relationships and feel self-assured while remaining approachable, you likely possess a secure attachment style. Embracing a stable attachment style simplifies social interactions, intimate relationships, and the free expression of emotions. Those with such attachments exude self-confidence, maintain a positive view of others, and fondly reflect on their own childhood experiences. Striving for a stable attachment style is a shared aspiration for many.

SYMPTOMS OF A SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE

Adults with a secure attachment type are:

Excellent at managing their emotions. They excel at developing important life objectives and have a strong idea of what they want to accomplish. They express their feelings honestly and authentically, and they can cope with being alone or seeking help and caring from others.

But is it really possible to change your attachment style? 

The good news is that your attachment style can change. Even through the throws of adulthood, an unsecure individual can evolve into a fully secure mindset if they put in the time and effort to make a change. So now that you've completed step one of awareness and identified your attachment type, you may be wondering how you can change it. 

Through healthy relationships

A healthy relationship has the transformative power to reshape even the most challenging attachment styles. For instance, when someone with an anxious attachment style enters a secure relationship, they are exposed to constant reassurance and trust. In doing so, this relationship brings a sense of comfort, healing old emotional wounds and easing the usual worries that often accompany the original attachment style. It teaches trust, communication, and emotional security, bringing peace and stability to the previously insecure individual. Learning from those who appear to be more secure can help you overcome your insecure attachment style.

Learn to control your reactions by using mindfulness

Frequent mood swings and emotional outbursts often show up when we’re lacking a sense of security. Yet, managing and reducing these reactions can become more achievable by practicing mindfulness.

Mindfulness asks us to be fully present in the moment, actively monitoring and evaluating situations as they unfold. The first step in implementing mindfulness is becoming aware of potential triggers we face and taking a moment to pause, before we change it or try to fix the outcome. Accepting that situations may not always pose a serious threat. With the help of this technique, you can learn to control your emotions and deal with conflict in a way that’s truer to yourself. 

Therapy

If you find yourself stuck, struggling to form meaningful connections, and feeling stagnant in your attachment style, getting professional help is a valuable option. Therapists use diverse methods to support you with moving towards a secure attachment style. 

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT)

Emotionally focused therapy, also called EFT, will focus and work on your inner child. You and your therapist will dig deep into the relationships you experienced during your first few years of life to discover how they may have influenced your current relationships. EFT will help you in identifying harmful relationship patterns that arose in childhood, and your therapist will offer you helpful methods for overcoming them. With the right tools and help, your attachment style can become secure. 

Other trauma-informed approaches (DBT, IFS)

There are also other kinds of approaches that may be introduced if you decide to pursue therapy. Depending on your needs, your therapist might offer other interventions such as DBT or IFS in order to develop a healthier, more secure attachment style. 

DBT, short for dialectical behaviour therapy, focuses on teaching people strategies to help them live their best and most productive life. It’ll teach you how to live in the moment, develop healthy ways to cope with stress, regulate your emotions, and improve your relationships with others by prioritizing things like mindfulness techniques and emotion regulation.

IFS, short for internal family systems therapy, is an approach that supposes we’re all made up of several parts. When parts become unbalanced, we might feel inner turmoil, becoming indecisive about how to respond to situations in our lives. By connecting with your parts, you’ll gain clarity on your needs, foster inner peace and the capacity to heal old wounds. It can help with trauma, general life stressors like grief, relationship and career issues, and improve resilience and self-esteem. 

All in all, it is essential for people who have an insecure attachment style to understand that change is possible with dedication and patience. Even the smallest actions, like having meaningful conversations with your partner or focusing on one positive trait about yourself each day, can have a big impact on your life as well as help you grow personally and build enduring relationships with those you love. 

Here at WillowBee Psychotherapy, we have licensed therapists that can help you overcome and change your attachment style. With a grounding approach to counselling, we can help you heal past wounds and strengthen relationships, helping you to break free from old cycles. You deserve healthy, fulfilling relationships. 

Sources

Becca Sangwin. (2017, February 24). Your Attachment Style Influences the Success of Your Relationship. The Gottman Institute; The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/attachment-style-influences-success-relationship/

The Attachment Project. (2020, July 2). Attachment Styles & Their Role In Our Adult Relationships. Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/