What’s Your Attachment Style—And Can You Actually Change It?

Have you ever caught yourself feeling like you’re “too much” in your relationships? Too needy, too intense, or too overwhelmed by the fear that someone you care about will leave. Maybe you’re the one who always wants to talk things out right now, while your partner needs space, which only makes you feel more anxious. Or you find yourself stuck in a cycle, where one minute you feel deeply attached, and the next, you’re pushing them away because the vulnerability feels unbearable.

It’s frustrating, confusing, and exhausting. And if this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

Attachment Styles Aren’t Fixed—They’re Adaptations

Attachment theory helps explain why we respond to relationships the way we do. It’s not about being “too clingy” or “too distant.” It’s about what your nervous system learned about safety, connection, and loss—often long before you even had words to describe it.

British psychiatrist John Bowlby (1969) was one of the first to propose that children need not just physical care, but also emotional security from their caregivers. Later, Mary Ainsworth (1978) expanded on this work through the "Strange Situation" study, where she observed how infants reacted to separation and reunion with their mothers. These studies showed that attachment isn’t just about basic survival—it’s about emotional attunement and connection, something that remains true in adult relationships.

Our attachment patterns form in early life based on how consistently we felt seen, soothed, and supported by caregivers. But they aren’t permanent. Just like relationships can hurt us, they can also heal us.

The Four Attachment Styles

Anxious Attachment

• You crave closeness but fear rejection or abandonment.

• You overanalyze texts, tone, and small shifts in others’ moods.

• You feel deeply insecure in relationships and need frequent reassurance.

• You may struggle with self-worth, believing you have to be “good enough” to be loved.

Avoidant Attachment

• You value independence over connection, often withdrawing when things get emotional.

• You struggle with expressing needs and may feel overwhelmed by others’ expectations.

• You tend to downplay your emotions, sometimes even to yourself.

Disorganized Attachment (Fearful-Avoidant)

• You deeply want connection but also fear it, leading to push-pull dynamics.

• You might sabotage relationships, even when you care deeply.

• Your emotional responses feel unpredictable—even to you.

Secure Attachment

• You trust that relationships are safe and stable.

• You can ask for what you need and set boundaries without guilt.

• Conflict feels manageable rather than threatening.

• You’re comfortable with both independence and intimacy.

If you recognize yourself in the anxious or avoidant styles, you might wonder—can I actually change this?

Yes, You Can Heal Your Attachment Patterns

Healing doesn’t mean becoming perfectly “secure” overnight. It’s about learning how to regulate your emotions, communicate your needs, and build trust—first with yourself, then with others.

1. Learn Nervous System Regulation

When you have an anxious or disorganized attachment, your nervous system is often stuck in survival mode—interpreting small changes in relationships as threats. Learning to regulate your nervous system can help you feel safer in connection.

• Try grounding techniques: Deep breathing, body scans, or sensory input (like holding something cold) can help in moments of anxiety.

• Practice self-soothing: Instead of seeking reassurance from others immediately, experiment with self-talk (“I am safe right now”) or movement (like shaking out tension).

2. Build Self-Trust First

Anxious attachment often comes with an external focus—Do they still like me? Are they mad? Instead, try turning that attention inward:

• Notice how you talk to yourself when you’re feeling anxious. Would you say the same things to a friend?

• Keep small promises to yourself. Consistency helps build internal security.

3. Shift Your Relationship Patterns (Slowly)

If you tend to fall into cycles of over-giving, over-apologizing, or chasing reassurance, try small shifts:

• Pause before reacting—ask yourself, What am I actually needing right now?

• Practice asking for reassurance directly rather than through testing behaviors.

• If you tend to withdraw, experiment with staying present just a little longer in moments of discomfort.

4. Seek Out Secure Relationships

Healing often happens in connection. Being around securely attached people—whether friends, partners, or therapists—can help rewire old patterns. These are the people who:

• Are consistent and reliable without you having to earn their care.

• Validate your feelings but don’t fuel anxious spirals.

• Set boundaries in a way that feels safe rather than rejecting.

5. Therapy Can Help

If attachment wounds run deep, therapy can offer a safe space to work through them. Trauma-informed approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can be especially helpful for untangling old patterns.

Sue Johnson, a psychologist and the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), built upon Bowlby’s work by showing how adult relationships require emotional responsiveness to create security. Her research highlights that even if we start with an insecure attachment style, consistent, supportive relationships can help us move toward secure attachment.

You Are Not “Too Much”—Your Needs Matter

You don’t have to “fix” yourself to be worthy of love and connection. Healing attachment isn’t about forcing yourself into a secure mold—it’s about learning to trust yourself and build relationships that feel safe, nourishing, and mutual.

If you’re ready to work on your attachment patterns, our therapists at WillowBee Psychotherapy can help. We take a grounding, trauma-informed approach to healing, helping you move from old cycles into relationships that feel truly safe and fulfilling.

Book a free consultation today.

Author: Original content by Bianca Cutro, updated by Toni Caverly (MA, RP) in April, 2025.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume I: Attachment. Basic Books.

Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused therapy: Creating connection. Brunner-Routledge.