Navigating ADHD in Your Relationship: The Benefits of Couples Therapy
For those of us who have ADHD, or live with someone who does, it can sometimes feel like it impacts every aspect of our lives. Including our romantic relationships…
Maybe you’re here because you want a deeper understanding of just how ADHD affects your relationship, you want to better support your partner, or you want to start couples therapy but you’re not quite sure what to expect. It’s important to remember that you’re not alone in this.
“As a couples therapist, I’ve noticed that many couples with ADHD come to therapy for similar reasons as other couples. However, ADHD can really affect your relationship in its own unique ways, especially if you haven’t been diagnosed or treated for it.”
In this blog post, we’ll discuss how to better manage ADHD in your relationship. We'll cover the common problems couples with ADHD face and give you some real-life tips and suggestions to make your relationship stronger.
By the end of this blog post, you’ll know more about:
The Impact of ADHD on Couples.
We’ll begin by exploring the specific challenges ADHD can introduce into your relationship, such as forgetfulness, impulsivity, and time management.
How to Navigate ADHD Struggles as a Couple.
We’ll provide you with strategies and tips for fostering better communication, empathy, and practical ways to manage ADHD-related issues.
The Benefits of Couples Therapy.
Discover how seeking professional help through couples therapy can create a safe space for addressing and resolving ADHD-related issues.
How to Choose the Right Couples Therapist.
Learn about the criteria to consider when selecting a therapist who can best assist you and your partner in your journey.
Resources to Get Further Support.
To make sure you feel supported with all the information and assistance you need; we’ll provide a list of resources and references for you to explore.
The Impact of ADHD on Relationships
While it’s commonly known that ADHD can affect our academic and work lives, it can also create challenges with relationships and social skills.
It can be hard for the person without ADHD to fully grasp how it affects their partner and it can be frustrating to see all the ways it impacts their relationship. On the other hand, the person with ADHD might feel misunderstood, judged, and criticized by their partner, who might lack knowledge or understanding about their symptoms.
So how can ADHD impact your relationships?
Communication problems.
ADHD can impact communication in more ways than one.
Emotional outbursts. One of the more common ways ADHD affects communication is through emotional dysregulation in the form of emotional outbursts or conflict. Sometimes, people who have ADHD feel like they are unable to control their emotions well. This can directly affect their relationships since disagreements, fights, or arguments are a normal part of all romantic relationships.
Withdrawal. For others with ADHD, they might instead withdraw emotionally or struggle to communicate their feelings in the moment. This may make the other partner feel like they don’t care enough to communicate or fight for the relationship, which often, isn’t true. Instead, they might struggle to communicate effectively because they’re feeling overwhelmed or worried about being criticized.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Many people with ADHD grew up being constantly criticized and corrected due to their ADHD symptoms and may have strong emotional responses when they feel criticized as an adult which can result in defensiveness, anger, and shame. There’s a strong correlation between ADHD and rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD) which is classified as an extreme emotional reaction or response with feelings of hurt when they feel like they are being criticized or rejected by the important people in their life. If the person with ADHD has RSD, their emotional response or reaction may be even stronger due to this sensitivity.
“Many people with ADHD grew up constantly being criticized and corrected due to their symptoms.”
Impulsivity. Impulsivity can affect relationships in multiple ways as well. For instance, in the beginning of the relationship, impulsivity can have the person with ADHD moving very quickly, making rash decisions without consideration, and being very hyper-focused on their partner and the relationship early on, which isn’t feasible in the long run, but also might make their partner feel like they no longer care as much as they used to.
Impulsivity can also cause blunt remarks or statements without thought that can be hurtful causing fights or arguments. It can also make irresponsible or unsafe choices more common, like financial struggles or reckless driving that can directly, or indirectly, impact their relationships.
Organizational struggles. Many people with ADHD really struggle with organization. This can especially impact things at home with the house possibly being messy, dirty, or cluttered. Along with struggling to finish tasks, people with ADHD might misplace things or not follow through on what they said they would do, which can either be due to forgetfulness or a lack of time management.
These organizational struggles can impact relationships by causing one partner to become frustrated or feel like they have to do all of the work or be the ‘parent’, which can in turn, build resentment.
Distraction. Distraction and inattention are two of the main symptoms of ADHD and can make it challenging to engage and pay attention during conversations. This can inadvertently make the partner without ADHD feel like they’re neglected or like their partner doesn’t care.
Distraction can also result in the person with ADHD starting a task and not finishing and moving on to something else which can be frustrating for both partners.
Navigating ADHD Struggles as a Couple
Managing the unique challenges of ADHD within your relationship can be tough, but with the right strategies and a strong commitment, you can grow towards better understanding, empathy, and collaboration.
Here are some practical tips to help you and your partner successfully navigate ADHD-related struggles:
Open Communication.
Establishing a safe and open channel of communication. Build time into your daily routine to talk about feelings, thoughts and concerns. Actively listening, without judgment is key.
Education.
Learn as much as you can about ADHD, including its symptoms and how it shows up in adults or women. The more you understand, the better equipped you'll be to support each other.
Empathy and Patience.
Practice empathy and patience. Remember that ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition, and you or your partner may not always have control over their symptoms. Respond as much as possible with understanding rather than frustration.
Establish Routines.
Creating routines and structures can help both partners. This can include setting reminders, using organizational tools, and scheduling regular check-ins to ensure you're on the same page.
Delegate Responsibilities.
Assign tasks and responsibilities based on each partner's strengths and abilities. Collaboratively work out a system that makes sense for both of you to manage daily life effectively.
Seek Individual Support.
Encourage your partner to seek individual therapy or coaching to address their ADHD symptoms. Individual support can complement couples therapy and provide them with valuable coping strategies.
Conflict Resolution Skills.
Learn effective conflict resolution skills. ADHD-related issues may lead to occasional disagreements. Understanding how to navigate and resolve conflicts constructively is essential.
Quality Time.
Make an effort to spend quality time together, away from distractions. This can help strengthen your emotional connection and reduce the impact of ADHD on your relationship.
Benefits of Couples Therapy
How can couples therapy help?
When ADHD is involved in couples therapy, it's important to address how the ADHD symptoms are affecting your relationship.
We need to figure out why this is happening and come up with ways to manage and improve those struggles. Of course, we'll also look at strategies to improve common issues faced in your relationship, but it's crucial not to ignore the ADHD part of it.
Couples therapy, when tailored for ADHD, can offer numerous benefits for couples striving to improve their relationship. Here are some of those advantages:
Safe Space for Communication:
Couples therapy provides a neutral and confidential environment where both partners can express their feelings, concerns, and frustrations without fear of judgment.
Expert Guidance:
A trained couples therapist with experience in ADHD-related issues or who is neurodivergent themselves, can offer expert guidance and practical strategies to help couples navigate their challenges.
Improved Understanding:
Through therapy, both partners can gain a deeper understanding of ADHD and its impact on their relationship. This knowledge can lead to increased empathy and patience.
Tailored Strategies:
Therapists can develop customized strategies to address the specific issues arising from ADHD, helping couples work together more effectively and manage symptoms.
Conflict Resolution:
Couples therapy equips partners with conflict resolution skills, enhancing their ability to address disagreements constructively and prevent disputes from escalating.
Enhanced Intimacy:
As couples learn to communicate more effectively and manage ADHD-related stressors, their emotional intimacy can grow stronger, leading to a more fulfilling relationship.
Long-term Relationship Satisfaction:
Many couples who engage in therapy experience long-term improvements in their relationship satisfaction, as they become better equipped to handle ADHD-related challenges.
Prevent Relationship Deterioration:
Couples therapy can help prevent ADHD-related issues from deteriorating into larger, unmanageable problems, ultimately preserving the relationship.
How to Choose the Right Couples Therapist
“Finding the right couple’s therapist is a crucial step in addressing ADHD-related challenges in your relationship. ”
Finding the right couple’s therapist is a crucial step in addressing ADHD-related challenges in your relationship. Here are some important things to consider to help you find a therapist to guide you and your partner towards a happier, healthier relationship:
Experience and expertise. Above all else, it’s vital to work with a therapist who is trained in ADHD or who has lived experience with ADHD, whether they know someone who does, or they are neurodivergent themselves.
Compatibility and trust. Building a good rapport with your therapist is important to be able to be open and vulnerable with yourself and your partner. Therapists often offer free consultations to get to know you. Meet with a few therapists until you find the right one for you.
Collaborative approach. Look for a therapist who values involving both you and your partner in the therapeutic process. A good therapist should create a safe and open space for you and your partner.
Resources for Further Support
As you embark on your journey to navigate the impact of ADHD on your relationship, it's helpful to have access to valuable resources that can provide additional insights, strategies, and support.
Here is a list of resources that can help you and your partner further understand ADHD in the context of your relationship:
Books:
"The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps" by Melissa Orlov
This book offers practical advice and strategies for couples dealing with ADHD in their relationship. It's a valuable resource for understanding the dynamics and finding solutions
“Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?: Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder" by Gina Pera
Gina Pera's book explores the challenges and offers guidance on maintaining a healthy relationship when one partner has ADHD.
“The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD" by Melissa Orlov and Nancie Kohlenberger
This book is a comprehensive guide specifically designed to help couples not only survive but thrive in the face of ADHD-related challenges.
Websites:
ADDitude Magazine (www.additudemag.com)
ADDitude is an online resource that provides articles, expert advice, and a community of support for individuals and couples dealing with ADHD. You can find a dedicated section for relationships and ADHD.
CHADD - Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (www.chadd.org)
CHADD is a leading advocacy organization for individuals with ADHD. Their website offers resources, webinars, and local support groups, which can be beneficial for both partners.
Couples Therapy and Support:
Find a Therapist:
o You can use online directories like Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) to search for therapists specializing in couples therapy and ADHD in your area. We also offer couples therapy, click here to learn more.
Local Support Groups:
o Look for local support groups or workshops that focus on ADHD and relationships. These can provide an opportunity to connect with other couples facing similar challenges.
Online Communities and Forums:
o Reddit ADHD Subreddit (www.reddit.com/r/ADHD)
o The ADHD subreddit is a supportive online community where you can find discussions, personal stories, and advice related to ADHD and relationships.
Conclusion
So, what does this mean for your relationship?
By understanding how ADHD affects both you and your partner, you can learn the tools and skills to build a stronger foundation. Having the person who doesn’t have ADHD understand how ADHD affects their partner, they can be more understanding and sympathetic when their partner is going through a tough time. It also helps to not take things personally when there are struggles related to ADHD. Once you both understand this, you can work on improving communication and getting closer to each other.
Ready to feel more connected to your partner? Find out more about Couples Therapy in Ontario.
