“If you take away the trauma and the ADHD – who am I?”
There’s this paradox that I’ve come to find in many of us who were late-diagnosed with ADHD or AUDHD (and by late-diagnosed, I mean anytime after elementary school). But really, for anyone who just doesn’t fit the stereotypical mold of what was expected from an ‘ADHD-kid’ (aka, bouncing off the walls in mass hysterics).
And the paradox is this -
It’s a lifetime of feeling misunderstood. It’s not quite ‘fitting-in’ to any box. It’s that although your teachers probably saw potential in you, there was a constant lingering doubt in your mind that what you were offering, just wasn’t enough. Maybe they even slapped on a ‘well if you only applied yourself more’ for good measure
– ouch, that one still stings.
“But you are driven. You are methodical, a Type A... ”
You organize things that don’t need organizing because it brings you joy (or maybe even relief). People might see you as a real go-getter, an overachiever, a get sh*t done, kind of person. You strive to succeed and your career is a fundamental part of who you are.
If we stopped here, then maybe you wouldn’t feel so conflicted about who you are all the time.
The truth is - you also get what you need out of projects and then leave them behind. You’re messy, creatively messy. The type to sprawl ideas out and struggle to contain them into a neatly structured (and socially acceptable) stream of thought. Basic tasks like folding laundry or going to the grocery store can send you into a frenzy.
Sometimes you’d rather die of starvation than bring yourself to cook another meal – or spend more money you don’t have on fast food.
“The reality is - you fit in everywhere, and nowhere at all.”
Maybe you weren’t dedicated enough to get the highest grades in your class. But you also weren’t rebellious enough to cause trouble. It’s not that you didn’t get in trouble or you didn’t get good grades, but being a little bit of a lot of things, meant that you were never all of one thing.
You know enough to be part of the conversation, you can feign interest, or at least sustain it long enough to feel like you have a seat at the table. And although it always leaves an aftertaste of uncertainty and self-doubt, it gets you by.
Mirroring who other people want you to be is both a lifeline and a curse.
Because the cost of trying to fit in is constantly being left feeling unseen. Belonging has always come with erasing some part of your personality. To be fully acknowledged and appreciated for who you authentically are is both a vulnerable – and a rare experience. You crave connection but understandably, also fear it.
“The thing about this being a paradox, is that you aren’t alone.”
It’s my hope that in the littlest moments, when it feels safe to let your guard down, that you’ll be able to breathe a sigh of relief – and even if it’s just for a second, to feel like it’s okay for the world to see the genuine – authentic – version of all that is you.
Because you’re more than a label, or a collection of symptoms. You’re not just your interests or a list of qualities on a sheet of paper. Regardless of the titles we put on them, all parts of you deserve to feel loved and to be seen.
“You’re more than a label or a collection of symptoms.”
And so, I leave you with this - what if this paradox is not really about identity and figuring out who you are, but it’s actually about feeling safe to be seen, and to feel connected, and accepted for all that you authentically are?
